Fair enough

Soundtrack: Gregorian - missing


How's this possible - nothing seems to change and here you are waking up brand new person. Looking back at a couple of years and it feels like lives ago. Remember I was so unable to talk to you I had to start these dusty pages you must have forgotten long ago. You had no need to read it, since you read me like a book. And laughed. The way you laughed made me feel so calm and safe in this world, and now I do my best to recollect how miserable I was.

And still endlessly happy.

While people are wondering whether there's life after death or I'd better say life after life, I'm wondering whether there's life after you.
And you know what? Life has always been fair enough to both of us.



Soundtrack: CHLOЁ - Удержаться


It still feels so real - all illusive patterns around me. I used to trust my senses, since I've got nothing else to perceive this universe with. So defective, weak, blurry and deceptive. Rocks under my feet, wind on my cheeks, light on my fingers, all used to be so real, and now I'm disconnected. How can I follow my feelings if they slip away the very moment I try to realize them? Love? Hunger?


Fe Ar? SpellinG? Vision?




Joy?             Grief?                                                     Faith?                                         Pity.


Is it still me? I think, therefore exist. Huh. I...?

My inner compass goes wild like on a dip pole. You know what's fun? I never choose the right shoes.


Soundtrack: Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Creep (Radiohead cover)


When he comes to my place I don't bother myself wth a meticulous choice of tea. But we do choosing a new name for another desert born in his heart. Thus he doesn't give a damn about another cup of tea or coffee, he says an occasional rain is more than enough. He used to live with this neverending thirst for so long that nothing ever seems to take it away anymore. I don't insist but still boil the kettle each time he comes. Actually it almost never gets cold all the same, but as I see his gracious hands drawing circles in the air, the tea river in my favourite fun cup never gets dry.

Sometimes he smiles, and I swear it looks as beautiful as watching a cactus bloom at the river of Earl Grey.

Hmmm tell me about your desert. How does it feel? Oh, smaller than Wahee of two weeks ago? Good sign! Hot as hell? Hold on, here comes the night and the sand won't burn you from the inside that much... But how did it happen? Just woke up like this? Yeah, I noticed, weird - your previous deserts had a history. What do you mean by cutting the forest?

And the sounds of our voices don't fall silent until dusk falls down on earth. Go? Now? Where to? Maybe... tea?

He just smiles and says, 'Bye, cup of tea.'

I stand up to open the door but find myself in an empty room. Shit, I forgot to cover the mirrors. Again. But isn't it weird? I would have never rejected a good cup of tea. I'll ask him next time.

Want or won't

Soundtrack: Melody Club - karma control


You'll never get out of here until you figure out what you want. What do you really want? What do you want for breakfast, who do you want around, what do you want your life to be like? You're drunk to make the voices in your head shut up, while I do to let the Universe speak - the only God left for me.

I don't give a shit about what makes sense anymore, neither do I about good or bad. I care just about what I want.And you know, the system never taught me to do so. But your greyish-blue eyes did. You used to be my gravity, but now I'm hanging in the air empty and peaceful. Don't talk, words are disgusting.


Soundtrack: R.E.M. - ÜBerlin


I want you to plait flowers into my hair while I cry. But my savior has a day off. He doesn't like working overtime, actually. Yeah, angels gladly skip the work too, and who's going to blame them for that?

When he returns, he'll say nothing but will quietly sigh and start combing my hair. Again. I don't do it at all when he's away. And he's away more and more often recently.

Well, I've got to kill the time until he returns. Movies... let's see... No, they'll show some unrealistic shit making one feel even more miserable. In such case would be nice to have a hobby, I guess. I would, if smth could still interest me. Maybe, I should go out and have a walk? Doubt I come back home then. Should I do smth with my hair? But the comb is so damn heavy.

Colour of your soul

Soundtrack: Aviators - wake me when it's over


Did you know orchids can talk? I'll tell you more - they can sing, but as quiet as you cry at night. They say if you were lucky enough to find the one of the same colour with your soul - grief shall never touch you anymore. Who says it? The orchids do when no one's listening.

But even these gracious flowers aren't omniscient, though they can see you through, and see the colour of your soul. If it differs from their petals - nothing makes them break the silence. They believe they won't be understood in such case and thus give no words to the futility. Really, they never ever talk to the different or tulips, I don't know why.

I've spent many sleepless nights talking to my little orchid about all kinds of things, pouring some whiskey into its pot. If you haven't seen a drunk orchid - you've never lived. But still I never managed to know the colour of my soul. My orchid was blind.

Blood on strings

Soundtrack: Pharaoh - дико, например


I want to kill all your muses. I know it will make your violin dusty silent, thus kills you too, so I hold on biting my lips until they are painted red. Damn, I spill the paint in vain, though could finish another chapter of my book "389 ways to hurt myself" instead. It could be a stunning manuscript with a horrific handwriting, but still wouldn't come even close to the real art that comes from your pen... And fingers...

But when you look into my eyes turbid with a drunk haze caused by your scent, I see you're looking for their gaze in mine. And it drives me fucking insane. You confuse names and epoches, stuck in the middle of nowhere with me - the one who will never even come close to an imaginary thus perfect bitch of yours. Maybe one of them looks away the same way I do while laughing, or has greenish hazel eyes... Drives me insane. And all I have to do is to bite my lips sitting here and watching you play, wondering do you ever see me?

Son of a star

Soundtrack: Imagine Dragons - I don't know why


What feels better than being a part of smth greater than you are? Like bathing in the (let it be Pacific) ocean, feeling the ancient element flowing between your fingers, taking you along and blending you with the pure power. Turning you into power... Just like his arms do...

But the longer you're in the water - the more you feel like about being dissolved by it. So here you are floating like a paper ship under crimson sails right into the mouth of storm. Who cares what happens next if it's all you've dreaming of on your dusty dark shelf? You know, normally a paper ship dies in a puddle or in some rare case in a small river. But look at mine now, how brave it is staring in the eyes of the lighthouse confusing it with the full moon. The small paper ship is not afraid of rocks, but being under the gaze of the son of a star on Earth makes it feel invincible.
So please don't look away.



Puppet theater

Soundtrack: Jack Strify - fix me (acoustic version)


 We're sentimental and it makes us doing stupid things like returning to the memorable places. Lean my head backwards laughing, brush away the fiery curl from my face and look around entering an empty theater. Trust me, I don't strive to enter the same river twice, and if it were possible - I've got no wish to do so. Finally.

Walk along the dusty seats, hm, I could find mine with eyes closed despite I wasn't a frequent guest in here back then. But I missed no play looking into a small dirty window from the outside, while I wasn't allowed in... by myself, clenching the bunch of keys in my pocket in front of the heavy oak doors raising into the sky.

I wasn't just the most dedicated spectator - I was the scriptwriter also. It was a rain season, maybe it influenced the fact I produced mostly dramas. Cold and dark evenings I used to spend making characters for my puppet theater pricking my fingers with a needle thus painting their faces red. And their red lips were smiling at me viciously from stage for being forced staying outside watching my own play.

Now it all makes me laugh - this theater has always been empty. You have always been. You were my theater and I was the only spectator. I don't need the keys anymore, these doors have never even been locked. I just don't need this shit anymore. Breathing is so easy now.



Soundtrack: HIM - wicked game (Chris Isaak cover)


A soft but persistent murmur ripped a sunflower out of drowsiness and a few pushes in a row made it go away completely. With a yawn the sunflower turns its head and notices with amusement that it's dark yet; the whole field is sound asleep knowing that the hours before the dawn are the sweetest ones, except for one sunflower, which was diligently rubbing its petals with its leaves.

'Hey, why don't you sleep? It's at least three hours before it dawns.'

'I'm getting ready to meet the sun,' answered the flower still smooting the petals.

'Baby, I hate to break your heart but there are hundreds and hundreds same sunflowers around you. Moreover the sun is way too high even to notce you. Just go and get your sleeping hours left.'

'I don't need the sun to see me,' answered the flower while washing its leaves in the morning dew, 'it will feel my light when it comes just as we do with its warmth.'

'Trust me, if you stop it the sun doesn't and will still return the next day.'

'It will return, but in this case not to me anymore.'



Hunting season

Soundtrack: God Is An Astronaut - Helios | Erebus


- You may go if you wish.

She says it in such a casual tone despite she knows it blows his mind off.

- If you want me to leave just say it without trying to push me to meet the decision you want me to.

- No, I mean you've been stuck here for five days already. I just don't want you to bury yourself here with no sun and in a fair company.

Despite it was dark he could swear he saw her ironic smile, a bit asymmetric showing one snow-white fang. No light needed to see it, he knows it all by heart.

- Fair company is the best I can count on, - he said and with the inner vision saw a broad smile of hers. -But yeah, I guess when it's dark I gotta go to the village and bring us some food.

- You can get caught! I'll find smth. for us ion the forest.

- No way I let you go there in the height of hunting season. And who catches me?

- People.

- Come on, comparing to us they're deaf and blind.

- Other dogs...

- You think they're that stupid? They could smell you for miles, so everyone knew right away where I've been.

- And... Do they understand?

- They don't, but they admit there are things beyond their understanding. That's the other difference between dogs and people. With me you're safe, but when people are around... They can't disobey, you understand?

- I do... And... Ehm...

- You want to know whether I did the same and killed other foxes?

- Yes...

- I did.

- Alright.

- But you are safe with me.

- I know.


One blink before

Soundtrack: Negative - neon rain


Remember that day when you tamed a small wildish kitten? It was doing its best to look like it wasn't afraid, but the moment you've touched it, the cat understood that the street survival laws it had been taught don't apply to you and it would go with you if you call. And you did.
They say cats are arrogant, but don't be like these fools unable to see what's beyond the surface. They've got no idea how soft your cat could be in their arms, since it was just in yours. Were you that attentive to see that when your cat seemed to be in an idle sleep, it kept one eye open from time to time to watch you sleep and guard your soul. And it caught each smile of yours purring calmly on your laps after a hard day you had. You've got no idea how it felt the slightest fake in your emotions, because it read your mind.
And here you come home and find that the cat isn't there anymore. It left as silently as it came once. Don't listen when they say cats are ungrateful and take love for granted. It lived in the cold street for too long all by itself to treasure each touch of your warm hands and kept you safe. Did you know that back then people believed that cats are able to see evil spirits and drive them away? And I bet you've noticed it makes sense...
It wasn't that bad, but the cat started to freeze in your cozy warm house. Your warming touch wasn't that frequent anymore, and its plate wasn't filled with food with the regular care it used to be before. Sure they will say that you'd better have a dog or a parrot instead of an unfaithful cat, and, maybe you agree. If you do - you've just failed to see that your cat has been the most faithful one, it left  a moment before you take its presence for granted and turn to be ignorant. It took its love and the warmth of your hands into the cold streets and it will always be your cat wherever it goes. It hates two things - begging for love and saying goodbye. But will a dozen of dogs that lose their identity in you replace the little soft creature that once scratched your heart?


Eyes wide closed

Soundtrack: Takida -heaven stay


Again? Darling, it's bad manners to evoke rains that often. Once you drown. Or finally learn to swim.


Your shelter

Soundtrack: Amaranthe - limitless


Do you remember the moment you came and dwelled in my music? You didn't even bother to pack your things like you knew you'd have everything you need here. So good you came without invitation and even better you hadn't known how much I hate when someone does, so I didn't manage to lock the doors.
And here you are wandering through the chords in my earphones, whispering into my ears the shades of different moods. You never leave. I was afraid you would leave as much as you would stay, but you're still my adrenaline injection through the wires.

Sometimes I afraid to turn on the music louder, forgetting that no one else hears you there. It stays my secret. Still kind of pity none of these songs makes no one else smile like me hearing it... That's called the power of art, I guess? You should know, I call you a masterpiece.


When you fall - it's time to fly

Soundtrack: Oonagh - Aeria (gib dein Herz nicht auf)


Have you ever done stupid things? Bet you did, the latest one is reading this stupid blog for instance. But hey, what is stupid? Is doing some things that have no logical basis but feel right stupid? But in the end of the day they turn to be the right ones.
They say you don't have to see the whole stairs to start your journey, but just one step is enough. And I would add: let yourself fall. Stand up regardless how much you fall on your way. The most horrible thing that might happen to you is not the fall, but the fear of the future fail since you already did once. And after it comes the most overwhelming one - that you won't be able to get up. And no one gives you a hand. Maybe no one will indeed, but you can always give yours.

Just fly. Such a waste to have wings and never use them.


Little god

Soundtrack: Plumb - hang on


Was checking out my old stuff and found a sweet poem I wrote slightly more than a year ago. It was meant to be lyrics for a song, but it never worked out...

6 AM, the worst time ever,

 Cute sleepy god’s eyelashes quiver.

 He promises one day to have instead of coffee juice,

 Knowing deep inside this promise’s of no use.


Flitting about the casual root

 Where world looked like it constantly still stood,

 The god missed every step revolved the Earth, while

 Lit up the sun and stars each smile.


 Little god, wet through, notes weather forecast lied again,

 Forgetting how much joy does walking in the rain.

 And he has left umbrella never had at home,

 In order to create this storm.


Imagination never sleeps, creation never stops.

 Disclosing millions different roads.

 You’ll never understand the way it works,

 Cause explanation hinges on the words.


When thought how powerless and lonely was,

 Each tear turned into sea for thirsty swans.

 The little god is atheist, that’s why his masterpiece

 He fails to notice in the mirror forgets so many things.



A bit of magic


26 things I've learnt in 26 years

Soundrack: Twenty One Pilots - doubt


1. Kissing people on the street don't irritate you when you're in love.

2. Even mutual isn't always mutual.

3. People aren't to be trusted. But sometimes you gotta make an exception. Sometimes.

4. Forget about what you 'would have done if...'.

5. Time is precious.

6. Tears aren't shameful. But if you can hide them - do.

7. Always stay true to yourself, otherwise you'll be your the most severe judge. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing.

8. Everything happens exactly when it has to.

9. People come and people go.

10. Seeing from the other perspective is the art to master.

11. Nobody needs the truth. Selective blindness.

12. You learn only when it hurts. Nothing lasts forever, neither does pain. Unfortunately the same thing with happiness.

13. No regrets about the past. You did your best in the current situation.

14. Be careful with your wishes, sometimes they come true when you've forgotten you asked for smth.

15. The only person you should make excuses to is yourself.

16. Listen to your intuition.

17. You're pretty without make-up.

18. You can become what you want to. But no, you can't be a unicorn.

19. All girls are the same. I don't know anything about boys.

20. No one is obliged to meet your expectation. Even you.

21. You need to learn to differentiate between 'I know' and 'I think I know'.

22. Trying to look too far in the future is like reading a book in the language you haven't started learning yet. Just let things happen and you will find a way.

23. Don't think for others. No, they don't think like you. What's normal for you is normal just for YOU.

24. Knowing what you don't want doesn't necessarily mean that you actually know what you want.

25. Being on your own has many different meanings.

26. Age is just a number. Every day in the mirror you see different face, since your body constantly changes and your reaction depends on your attitude towards time. If you're not in harmony you'll be in a hurry to grow up and then desperate to turn it back. Time can be your friend or enemy, you choose. I'm still learning.


You're beautiful!

Soundtrack: Red Hot Chili Peppers - around the world


And what do you think looking into the mirror? It's not about what you see... Do you know the tale about the ugly duckling that turns out to be a gorgeous swan, everyone admires and calls beautiful. He seemed strange and awkward being an 'ugly duckling' among ducks, but does it mean he really was? Among small swans no one would ever accept this thought of him being ugly, get what I mean?

As a child I loved this tale, cause it gave me hope that tomorrow will be a better day and I'll be beautiful once... It doesn't mean I actually wasn't (again according to my personal view) and I even been told pretty often as far as I remember that I had been beautiful back then. I don't remember the history, which definitely took place behind the scene, since no child is busy stuffing one's head with such thoughts instead of just enjoying one's life. So I just didn't feel beautiful and it was beyond face perception only...

But time passed, my views changed and since my identity has finally been restored, beauty entered into my life. It wasn't a nice face I lacked, it was beauty itself. You've probably met people far form the current 'beauty standards', but once you saw them you can't look away. They radiate some magnetic thing you can't but feel. May be not even from the first sight, but when you get to know them better. It's like entering into the dark room and while turning on the light you start seeing how actually beautiful the interior is.

Same thing with you: if you don't see how beautiful you are - you're still in the dark room. Take your time and start lighting candles one by one within yourself and the ones around you.


P.S. the inspiration for this post was a short video, where people's reaction was recorded when they were told they were beautiful. Check it out, I think you'll be surprised too.


Pride & Truth

Soundtrack: Nine Lashes - heartbeats


It's very important to be grateful both for the things you have and don't have. It may sound cheap like many truthful things chewed by pulp novels and pop culture. But once you felt it - you've touched the essense: genuine and indisputable. Its name is the truth and it will set you free.

It hits you hard with the soft voice of the one who would sacrifice one's life for you without a second thought, but too proud to ask you a trifle. Now I see we're much more alike than I've ever imagined, may be that's why I found it so hard talking to you, but always knew that you deserve more... And I've always hated our common trait for being absolutely irrational and making my life unreasonably complicated. They call pride a sin, but it's much more like a knife. If you don't know how to use it you'll cut yourself or others. Just practice and keep your scars as smth more meaningful than your tattoos.

And be grateful.



Soundtrack: Red Hot Chili Peppers- go robot


Right time. A leaf won't fall down the tree if the time isn't right. And I can't go yet. But each time I try reveals to me some new sides of mine, sets me free from many things except for your fingerprints on my soul. But it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not going to apologize for what I feel, cause now I'm fine more than ever.

Neither a castle, nor a humble shelter I've built could stand the earthquake. It cracks the walls but not my will. Still not, it's OK being weak sometimes, it's fine to be afraid. No need to prove myself I fit the doubtful standards with forgotten origin and never actually questioned. I believe in what you do and it doesn't interfere me with doing my own thing. Perhaps pain is not the only source of inspiration.



Soundtrack: Martin Kesici feat. Tarja Turunen - Leaving You For Me


When you came into my life the very next morning I woke up and felt like the entire world has changed. When you left I feel the same... Not quite the same, back then it didn't make me cry, but now damn, I could grow flowers in a desert... My world's so empty without you now... Had to open the windows, usually closed in order not to suffocate and to see that the life out there still exists.

Said goodmorning to you, but only in my mind now. There will be many dialogues with you in my head, each time I see or do something and want to tell you right away... Still can't believe I did this. I wouldn't have enough courage if I knew there was another way, but there wasn't and we both know it.

You know, in my dreams I sometimes imagined what would it be like: together for real... I know I shouldn't apologize, but still... sorry my sun, I'm so sorry. Looks like a shitty drama we probably would leave the cinema without watching the half of it... Cinema, remember?

But we will be OK. Life's fucked up, but somehow it settles down any mess with time. I hope you won't be sad...

Hello freedom, go to hell.


Tastes of non-love

Sountrack: Letzte Instanz - unsere Tage


'Come, I'll make a cocktail for you, it's on the house,'  says the barman, 'you've got sad eyes, wanna liquid sorrow with some other flavour?'

'I think I've got enough...'

He kept on wiping glasses, 'If you had, you'd come with another face, you wouldn't feel it anymore. Since you still have room for sadness - you got less you can take.'

'Have you been taught this at the University of Proper Wiping Glasses?' I lost my temper for a while.

'Apparently you haven't been taught it at yours,' he said in a casual tone. I bit my lip and tried to save the situation, 'But some other flavour, you said. Does sadness have different flavours?' He smiled slightly and started mixing different liquids. He was like an alchemist showing his secret art I couldn't get, since drinking smth stronger than tea is not my regular passtime. 'It can be bitter,' he handed me a glass with smth dark in it, 'can be strong, rough or soft, sour or sweet with millions tastes in it. Your case is sweet, try it.'

'But still leaves some bitterness afterwards.'

'Yeah, taste differs, but aftertaste remains the same...'



Soundtrack: Thousand Foot Krutch - be somebody



I've never studied it, but you'll be taught my art at school... You know why I'm good at writing? Cause I've lost the ability to talk and it's the only channel left between me and the world. I can write, rarely sing, but most often I'm silent. Trying to revive numb feelings like frozen hands by the fire of words... But not the uttered ones, they vanish faster than flash, blinding but giving no warmth.

I haven't just stopped talking, I stopped listening either. Don't wanna drink this fake warmth in order to find myself later sober standing barefoot when it snows, frozen to the bones, with a terrible hangover and bitterness inside my mouth and the worse one inside my chest.

My mind is a mess, my thoughts tangle and you teachers will point you at my mistakes and lack of consistency. Don't listen to these pen warriors, who can write red only above your text and will never make the blank sheet of paper speak. Just do your own thing. You know what it feels like? It's scary finding yourself in the world where no one has a clue what one's doing. And you have no one to ask... Once you've discovered it you start doing your own thing, which leaves the feeling of being constantly wrong, since there's no one to say you're right.

And here you are, lost and broken, trying to figure out which way to go suddenly catch a look of full of admiration. That's so weird, just imagine: being looked at like you're some kind of god. I wanted to put my hands on their shoulders and shake them as hard as I can shouting out right into their ears: wake up you, fools! But won't help. Take my advice and stay away from them unless they persuade you can fly just to watch you jump down the cliff. You know how often they love to yell that they don't need anyone telling them what to do, but still crying out for it. You'll notice it when start doing your own thing.

So open your notebook and write down what I'm gonna share with you, since your teachers will erase it from my biography. Got your pencil? Write it down: words are fucked up.



Wh*re or?

Soundtrack - Rave The Reqviem - sloth whore



Whores never kiss – this myth was created for you to feel safe. But watch out who's kissing you before sleep. They close their eyes while kissing too and whisper into your ear you're the one that fills their lungs leaving too little room for oxygen. They know how to do it right and accept credit cards. You can pay with your money or soul. Devil is so busy since TV has been invented, so no fear he comes to tempt you, his disciples will do the job. Maybe one of them already makes you a cup of coffee with a smile sweeter than honey you used to hate.

Don't panic, breathe in and out, in and out... Better? I know how it feels, not easy. One has to pay for arrogance, so get ready to pay for being convinced in your abilities to distinguish truth from lies. They imitate it so good they practically feel it.

And you? What do you feel? Take a look into the mirror, are you sure that the one looking out at you is not one of them?



Soundtrack: Garbage - only happy when it rains


Run! Run as fast as you can, losing your breath and stumbling over the road stones. You won't catch up with me all the same. Everything you know about me goes out of date faster than your smartphone. Was so stupid of me to think from the point of eternity.

Just run and catch the wind with your hair and eyelashes. May be you'll be lucky enough to fall asleep today with a warm feeling of integrity. And may be even tomorrow, but if not - that's not the waste, it's just autumn.

Yes, blame yellow leaves and cold rains sent by gods to drown you in sorrow. All of a sudden you've overslept the seasons' change, so try to get through another day without your pills.

If you need someone to blame, do the autumn, definitely. Everyone does it and it doesn't care. Or blame me, cause I don't care either. And my list of things I don't give a damn about grows. If you'd ask me earlier whether it bothers me, I'd say yes, but now... I just don't care.

Love autumn. At least still something do.


One step further

Soundtrack: Amaranthe - drop dead cynical


She never hid her story and seemed looked for the right audience to share. When I came she opened the door and I came in. Sure I did, like wandering in labyrinths, reading the scriptures on the walls, especially now when I know I finally won't get lost in any of them, despite I don't read maps...

I don't like empty labyrinths, especially having circular construction thus each time leading into the same dusty and empty room. No thanks, you won't force me to come in again. You'd better hang a picture in there or whatever, I don't know, rather that trying to fill in the space with my bored presence.

Sometimes I meet the scriptures I can't understand. In such case I take their image with me and sooner or later they reveal their sense to me.

And the current journey, you ask? Yes, was fine, liked it actually. While walking she told me: You're young. Work, have fun, do what you want! When the time is right you can have a child for yourself and men... Who needs them at all?

You're so wrong, - I thought, but smiled and said nothing. And now? Now I guess I start understanding what she was talking about...



No perfection's perfect

Soundtrack: Китай - после дождя


Sorry for being such a mindf**ck, but there's smth I can't handle. You won't help me either. I've learnt one thing for sure, one is stupid not because one doesn't know smth, but because the way one feels. I knew it all! I did! But look at me...

You gotta get rid of your ideals, cause no one ever corresponds them, neither will you - I told once to the sad guy, disappointed in the ones he adored. And here I am, telling it to myself. Again.

No one is supposed to meet my expectations, even myself. Still have to remind myself of that when it hurts, when you're not with me.

I keep on whispering it to myself until it imprints on my mind in order not to ruin the moment when you're with me. Cause it's all we have - now, the moment. You taught me that.


My business is not your f**king business

Soundrack: Korn feat. Skrillex - Get up


I've been always annoyed by the fact, that the most people actually believe that you must make excuses to them basically for everything! Like when I'm asked whether I can join them in any activity or go somewhere where I'm according to them supposed to or whatever and when I give a negative answer, 99,98% probability that the most ridiculous question follows: WHY?

Hey, are you serious? Why? Do I still have a choice? But until one pisses me off I'm a nice and polite girl, so I just plead to a common explanation that I have some more urgent things to do. And guess what follows? Even more ridiculous question like: really, what are you doing? Or even smth worse like a sincere surprise that I in fact have SOMETHING to do at all! And let me say that I hear it not from the close friends who more or less know what I'm up to, but the ones who acctually don't give a damn about my activity.

Each time it makes me wonder, hey babe, if you have nothing to do with your life, it doesn't apply to the others. And why on Earth should I explain to you anything at all?? May be i'm going to kill your dog and can't tell you or have some private issues and don't want your fu**ing nose in them? So will you be so kind just to f*ck off? Thank you. Bye.


Ik blijf je trouw...

Soundtrack 1: 3OH!3 - I'm not the one


- Never got this sleepy-beauty awakening kiss and that stuff, you know? - the girl tried to hold a casual tone and kept on sharpening her daggers more diligently. The other girl in the room raised an eybrow in surprise: - Are you talking about that fairy-tale thing when a random guy discovers a random chick in permanent coma and finds nothing better to do than to kiss her and she wakes up?

- Yes, that thing...

- Who's that bastard?

- Which one?

- The one who ruined your coma.

She stooped her head so the hair veiled her face, but blush on her cheeks reflected in the blade of the dagger lying on her knees.

- Oh no! Our army has lost its best warrior! - her friend went on teasing: even the daggers haven't protected you?

- Beside him I feel... weak... defenseless... Daggers fall out of my hands...

- Who's telling that! the one who'd kill a bear with these daggers alone!

- Another thing bothers me...

- You've got your awakening kiss?

- Yes...

- So what lacks you?

- That instead of what I was supposed to hear, I heard only good morning...


Soundtrack 2: It's Alive- Can't Love Me



Soundtrack: Pain - just hate me


Nothing saves from sorrow better than singing. The only habit that has gone through time. The only good one I guess. He says I think too much. And you, my darling, don't think at all. I mean what were you thinking of? No sane would choose me. And here I am, thinking again... How could I miss the moment when it started? The rules of the game were declared, so I can't say I didn't know it's gonna hurt, made a choice. But it's so unfair! To be given a choice when you actually have no choice about the way you feel... Such freedom makes one's eyes meeker and music in the earphones angrier. Not all the time, just now. Sometimes.  When I feel her presence... Or when I feel my absence... Sometimes...



Soundtrack: Imagine Dragons  - it's time


Here I am in the city of my dream for a year already. Have always been trying not to get used to places knowing that it's all temporary and all the roads guide me to my City_X, I just had to go... Now when my life finally becomes like the one I've always imagined, it can be celebrated with a cup of coffee and a view of an early morning city.

Here time passes differently and you can become whatever you want. It doesn't matter where you come from if your home is here.